94. Rules for Teenage Dating === I have been seeing and responding to so many questions lately on teenagers and dating. And listen, I don't have all of the answers for what you should do in your home with your teenager, but I want to talk about a fundamental concept that I think every parent needs to know when it comes to teenagers and dating. Earlier this week, I taught a workshop in my Enjoy Coaching community on boundaries in parenting. And we talked all about boundaries, what they are and what they are not, when to use them and when not to use them, and what to use instead when a boundary is actually not the right tool for the job. The whole purpose of a boundary is to keep ourselves safe physically, mentally, and emotionally. Each of us get to determine for ourselves where that boundary is. We get to determine at what point do we feel safe. unsafe with another person and we get to draw our boundary there. But the part that I think most people get wrong when it comes to boundaries is the boundary is not for the other person. We're not telling the other person not to cross our boundary. We are determining where the boundary is that we will then take action to protect ourselves, to keep ourselves safe. Safe. And this is a really important distinction because the responsibility of boundaries is on you. The responsibility is yours to do the thing that is going to keep you safe in that interaction. Now, don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer in communicating our boundaries to other people, making requests of them, asking them to honor our boundaries, and all that good stuff. I believe in manners, and I believe in socially accepted behavior, and that's all great, but the truth is we can't control other people -any other people -in our life. And so the responsibility is on us to take action when a boundary is crossed to protect ourselves. So what does this have to do with teenagers and dating? Well, my biggest concern when it comes to teenagers and dating is that my teenager knows how to set a boundary that will keep them safe. The thing about boundaries is when our kids are little, when they are young, It is our responsibility as parents to draw the boundaries and enforce the boundaries on their behalf. They don't have the skill of keeping themselves safe. So we, as parents, take on that role. We draw the boundary. When your baby who is just learning how to crawl is crawling around upstairs and they get close to the stairs. Usually we put up a baby gate so they don't fall down the stairs. Why? Because they don't know that that is a boundary. They don't know how to keep themselves safe at that boundary. But we know that they are probably going to try and go down the stairs. So we set up a fence. We create a physical boundary to keep them safe. When our two year old is playing out in the front yard and we don't want them to go in the street because it's not safe, we give them a boundary. We say, if you cross this line, you have to come inside because I don't want you to go in the street. You can play in the front yard, but you can't cross this point. But as our kids get older, our responsibility as parents changes, instead of always being the one to set and enforce the boundary to keep our kids safe, our purpose shifts a little bit to teaching our kids how to set their own boundaries to keep themselves safe. And this really kicks into high gear as our kids reach the teen years. We don't get to go with them to middle school, junior high, or high school. If they are hanging out with their friends and they're walking along a busy road, we aren't going to be there to say, if you cross this line, you have to come inside because I don't want you going in the road because it's not safe. We have to trust that they have learned to set that boundary for themselves. I'm not going to cross this line because I know then I will not be safe. So when I think about teenagers and dating, this is the lens through which I see all of it. My number one priority for my kids when they go on a date is their safety. Their physical, emotional, and mental safety. And while technically I could create a whole bunch of rules, a whole bunch of boundaries around my kids and dating. Who they can go with, when they can go, where they can go, I could create all of those rules on my own and set them up as boundaries to keep my child safe. And depending on the age and the maturity of your child, that might be really necessary. But what I have found is so much more effective when it comes to teens and dating is to help them set their own boundaries. My goal has shifted from keeping them safe to helping them learn how to create safety in a dating environment for themselves. So instead of hard and fast rules about when you can date and who you can date and where you can date and how it's all going to go down, what I like to do with my kids is to make sure that they understand, first of all, the purpose of dating. And second, the dangers that are associated with going on dates with people that you don't know very well. Now, because this is my podcast and because people ask me this question, I'm going to share with you what I think the purpose of teenagers dating is. And you may have a totally different view on that, and that is okay. So we don't have to agree on this for the rest of the principles to still be sound, but I'm going to share it because I know people sometimes are curious about where I stand on this. Growing up, I was the oldest in my family and the only girl. And as a result, my parents had very strict rules around dating for me. One of those rules was that I was not allowed to date until I was 16. And at that point it was expected that I would go on mostly group dates, like with other couples, so that it wasn't just me and one other person. And the other rule that my family had, well, Let me back up. I say my family, but what I really mean is me, because I am quite confident that neither of my brothers ever had to follow this rule, but it was called the ABC rule. And the basic gist of this rule was that I was not allowed to go on a date with someone and then go on another date with them before I had gone on dates with different people. So the idea was you go on a date with person A, then B, then C, before you can go back on another date with person A. If I'm being totally honest, I didn't hate this rule in high school and I still don't think it's a terrible rule. We don't have it for our own kids, but it did force me to go on a lot of dates with a lot of different people even though I did have some exclusive relationships. And those boyfriends of mine did not love this rule, they were not fans of the fact that I had to go on a date with different people before I could go on a second date with them. But it really did serve me in the way that it Forced me to get to know a lot of people. Which leads me to what I think is the purpose of Dating as a teenager and that is to figure out what you want. To figure out what kind of people you like spending time with and what you like to do and how to Function in a relationship and how to navigate feelings and be respectful of someone else. And just as important, if not more important, is figuring out what you don't like. Figuring out what red flags to watch for while you are still at home in the care of your parents who are helping you and guiding you through the tricky waters of navigating relationships. I also think that teenage dating should be fun. If it gets too heavy and there's too much drama and it's too complicated, that is not serving our teens at all. And so I like to teach my teens that the process of dating should feel fun. It should feel like exploration and excitement to get to know new people, to have fun experiences, to do fun things, and to learn how to be in a romantic relationship with someone else. With that in mind, I think it's easier to then jump to the conversation about the dangers of dating as a teenager. Like it or not, dating, in general, is not the safest activity. The whole point of dating is to get to know someone better in a more exclusive relationship. And that means we don't know the person when we start dating them. There is this period of getting to know them. How do they react in different situations? Who really is this person? And then you add to that fact, this is happening between two teenagers. Two humans whose brains are under construction, who have very immature relationship skills that they are trying to develop and grow, who have hormones Raging through their bodies. Who already struggle with making good decisions, and there is so much pressure and social pressure and expectation about these relationships. And with all of these factors coming into play, teenagers dating is not inherently safe. But with that said. Teenagers are also so smart. They are so good at problem solving. So when we can bring this to their awareness in advance, before they are in the moment where they're having fun and he's so cute or she's so cute and their emotions take over, we can help them set some very clear boundaries so that they can keep themselves safe. Now, every situation is going to be different. I have stopped trying to believe that I can set rules that apply to every situation for all of my kids because it just doesn't work that way. Your teen might want to go on a date with someone they have known since elementary school and you know that person and they know that person and they have lots of mutual friends and they've had lots of experiences with them and that's going to look really different than a situation where they met someone online, through another friend and they've been texting but never met in person. Those dates and the expectations for them and the boundaries going to set for those dates might look very different. Along with that, you know your kid better than anyone else. You know how well they do under pressure. You know how trustworthy they are. You know how mature they are. And so that's also going to come into play with how you help them set up boundaries to keep themselves safe in dating situations. Ultimately, this needs to be a conversation you have with your teen about what the dangers of dating are and how are they going to make sure they keep themselves safe. To wrap this episode up, I want to share a few ideas of some boundaries that I have talked to my own teens about and some general best practices that I think could be helpful for any teen to think through as they're considering setting boundaries around dating. The first thing I think is absolutely essential for any child going on a date is that someone else knows where they are at all times. Now, this is one of those perfect opportunities where your teen can blame you for being the bad guy so they don't have to be, and they can just let their date know, "Hey, our rule at our house is that my mom always needs to know where I'm going to be when I go out on a date. Can you let me know where we're going to be so I can pass that on to her and she'll let me go?" And if for some reason that date is wanting to surprise your child and they don't want to tell them the plan, that's totally fine. I get that. The date can just directly communicate the plan with the mom. And this goes for boys or girls. I want to know where my child is going on a date at all times. Now, this is a boundary that I want my kids to take with them off to college. And so if they don't want to call me and tell me where they're going on their date, they need to at least tell their roommate or a friend or someone. Their date needs to know that the people around them who love them, know where they're going. They know they're gone. They know how to reach them and they have location turned on on their phone. Another idea is to go on group dates, to go on double dates or triple dates or whatever, so that you're not the only two people there. Not only is that so much more fun most of the time, but it also takes a lot of the pressure and stress out of the dating experience. Now that might not always be logistically possible, and that's okay. And of course, as you grow older and as relationships progress and get more serious, you don't always want to be in a group. You need to get to know this person one on one. But I love the idea of group dating, especially for teenagers, because it does take a lot of the stress and pressure off. And finally, I think it's really important that your teen think about the idea of driving themselves to meet up on a date. Now, this is especially true if they are going on any kind of blind date or any like first couple of times you meet someone, they should drive separately. They should have their own transportation and they should meet in a public location. This is so key to keeping them safe. You do not know who you are meeting up with, if you have only ever texted with them, or talked to them online, or talked to them even on the phone. You need a way to keep yourself safe. We do not want our teens relying on someone else they don't know and can't control to get them safely anywhere. What if that person has been drinking? What if they are a terrible driver? You want your child to have full autonomy to leave whenever they need to, to keep themselves safe. I know I said that was the last one, but I do have one more thing that my girls and I have talked about as a requirement for them whenever they go on a date or anywhere by themselves. They have to take pepper spray with them and we always have location turned on on their phone. This is not really dating specific, but it definitely does apply when it comes to dating. They always take pepper spray with them. They always have location turned on on their phone. And that's just an added level of protection and safety for them. I hope that this conversation has been really helpful for you and has given you some things to think about as you help your child create boundaries around dating for themselves so that they know how to keep themselves safe. so that they know where their line is, of where they feel comfortable, where they feel safe, and how to take action to get out of situations where they don't feel safe. As always, I am here in the trenches with you. I am cheering you on, and I would love to continue this conversation, whether you want to send me an email or reach out on any of my social media channels, I would love to chat more with you about teenagers and dating.
