I am a girl who loves rules. There is just something so comforting and secure about knowing exactly what I can and cannot do. On the flip side, breaking rules is a real struggle for me. Years ago, I started a photography business and started exploring new places to take photos. Often I would be talking to another photographer friend and I would hear about a place that had cool architecture or an abandoned building or a cool old barn and I would want to go check it out. But if there was a no trespassing sign, I couldn’t do it. Even knowing that dozens of other photographers were using that location regularly and had no problems. Even if I knew that the owners didn’t mind, I just could not bring myself to break the rules.
We have spent the last two weeks on this podcast talking about your job as a parent, how your kids don’t control your emotions, and how important it is to accept your teens for who they are instead of trying to change them into who you wanted them to be.
I have gotten so many messages and comments about how helpful this is and how it is changing your approach to parenting and even helping you with other relationships in your life. But I have also had some conversations with people who don’t think we should just let our kids do whatever they want and not hold them accountable.
And I completely agree!
Teaching our kids about the consequences of their actions and holding them accountable is a vital part of parenting. Without it, kids feel insecure and unsafe and struggle to take responsibility for who they are and who they want to become.
Rules, consequences and accountability are the mechanism for kids to determine who they are and who they are not. What they want and what they do not want. What they believe and what they don’t. It is the way they determine which influences they want to allow into their lives and which ones they don’t.
Alternatively, rules and consequences are often be used by parents to manipulate or control their children into behaving the way they want them to. Punishments that are driven by fear, guilt or shame tend to create resentment toward you as a parent and often lead the teen to acting out in defiance.
We absolutely want our kids to understand that their actions have consequences – good and bad. And we want them to take responsibility for those actions.
But we do not want to create a wedge in our relationship. We don’t want to manipulate or control them. And we can’t afford to lose our ability to connect with and influence our teen.
We also don’t want to allow their actions to determine our emotions or use their actions to measure our worth as a parent.
So how do we have a loving connected relationship with our teens while still teaching them about accountability and responsibility and setting them up for success?
We must set clear expectations and consequences.
We make it so much more complicated than it has to be, but it really is that simple. Here are 8 tips to help you create expectations and consequences that are clear, effective and create connection instead of resentment.
1. When determining the need for an expectation, be honest about your reasons for it. Spend some time thinking about whether you really like your reasons. Is this a safety issue? Is it so you can feel better? Is it because that’s the way it has always been? Is it because other people think you should? Is it driven by fear or shame or regret?
I always had a curfew growing up. My kids do not currently have a curfew and every time someone asks me about our curfew, I wonder whether I should have one. But as my husband and I have talked about it and considered it, there isn’t a good reason for our kids to have a curfew. So far, it hasn’t been an issue, so I am not going to waste an expectation on something that isn’t needed. Sometimes I ask the kids to be home at a certain time, but typically I let them make the decision about what time they need to be home. Does that mean I will never have a curfew? No. But right now, I don’t have a reason I like enough to justify creating one.
2. If you do like your reasons for an expectation, be thoughtful and deliberate and remember less is more.
We don’t have a lot of hard and fast rules at our house, but we do have one about cell phones, computers and tablets. Screens are not allowed in bedrooms, bathrooms or behind closed doors. It is inconvenient for sure, and made quarantine a logistical nightmare for our family, but I really like my reasons. Can my kids still find pornography, send unkind texts or encounter online predators while using their phone on my back porch or in my living room? Absolutely. But the chances of that go down drastically when this expectation is in place. Being open and honest about this rule and my reasons for it has opened the door to candid conversations that have helped my kids understand those risks too. They still choose to take their phone into their rooms sometimes and accept the consequence, but I know my reasons for this rule and I really like them.
3. There is a difference between an expectation and a request. An expectation is a clearly defined action that has a clearly defined consequence associated with it. A request is something you would like them to do, but has no consequence. Requests do not need to be as limited as expectations.
In fact, I think you should feel totally free to make requests of your kids all day long. “Can you help me unload these groceries? Would you mind asking your sister to come downstairs? I think you should go change that shirt.” It is totally appropriate for you to let your child know what you would like them to do, or what you think is appropriate to do, but when you ask it in a way that gives them the power to make the decision, they don’t feel like they need to be on the defensive all the time. This one principle alone will exponentially reduce the amount of conflict in your home.
4. It is your job to clearly communicate the details of what you expect from them and the details of what will happen if they do or do not meet those expectations. Share your reasons with them. Ask them for their opinion. What do they think the expectation should be? What do they think the consequence should be? Make sure they know that the goal isn’t to make them suffer, it is to teach them how to make decisions, be accountable and take responsibility for the life they are creating. Your teen may surprise you with their great ideas!
5. Know that your teen will not always meet your expectations (or your requests) and have a clearly defined consequence for when they don’t…not if they don’t, but when they don’t. Understanding this is vital to balancing accountability and connection. Nothing has gone wrong when your child does not meet the expectation. You don’t have to be upset or disappointed or frustrated. You don’t have to be the bad guy. You don’t have to make them feel bad or try to change them. Today they decided that the benefits of doing what they wanted outweighed the drawback of the consequence. That is how life is. We make those kind of decisions all the time. Sometimes we choose what we want and sometimes we choose to avoid a consequence. Cheating on your diet, procrastinating a project: this is totally normal human behavior and none of it is a problem.
6. The consequence needs to be reasonable and within your control. You can take their phone away, you can stop paying for their extracurricular activities, you can take their drivers’ license. You can’t make them apologize to their sibling. You can’t stop them from using their friend’s phone to talk to their girlfriend. And, as we learned from Rapunzel, you can’t lock them in their room for the rest of their life. If you choose a consequence that is vague or out of your control, you will teach your child to find ways around your rules instead of teaching them to take responsibility for their choices.
7. Be 100% committed to following through with the consequence that was determined in advance. Your child chose this. It is the result they decided on. It might be inconvenient or even miserable for them, but this is what they chose. You can be bummed out about it for them. “I hate that you can’t text your friends to make plans because you had your phone in your room. What a pain. I bet you will be more aware of taking your phone in your room next time.” Don’t be sarcastic or snarky about it. I promise there is so much power in letting them experience the consequence of their action without any reaction or anger from you. They will learn that you are on their side, that you are not the enemy! Eventually they will see that their choices are the only thing creating pain for them.
8. Setting expectations should come from love. If you are frustrated or angry, you will likely not be able to make effective, sustainable expectations and consequences. If you are feeling frustrated or at your wit’s end with your child don’t use this time to make rules. Instead ask yourself, “What can I learn from this relationship?” or “How can I use this as an opportunity to connect with my child and create real authenticity in our relationship?” You might be surprised at what you come up with when you approach it from this perspective. There is always something you can learn!
I hope these tips are helpful for you in understanding how to balance creating connection with your teen and teaching them accountability. I encourage you to check out my free ideas to help you connect with your teen at the link in the show notes https://client.jenbelltate.com/10for10-connect-challenge. Each day for 10 days, I will send you an idea that takes 10 minutes or less to help you connect with your teen. These ideas are teen-approved and include practical tips, mindset coaching and support to help you make those deep connections you are craving.
