When was the last time your teen felt bad…maybe they got left-out or bombed a test or did something wrong or didn’t make a team. Whatever it was, I bet you remember exactly how you felt watching them go through it.
It can feel heart-wrenching to watch our kids suffer because we want our kids to be happy. We love them and want the best for them.
One of my favorite descriptions of motherhoods is from Elizabeth Stone. She describes motherhood this way: “to forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
And that is what It feels like sometimes…that our heart suffers when they suffer.
So we want to take it from them, fix things and make them feel better. We want to protect them from feeling it again in the future.
But we can’t. We can’t guard a heart that is walking around outside our bodies. But even if we could, we don’t REALLY want to because the temporary relief isn’t worth the trade off.
You see, when our kids feel bad or sad or mad or hurt and we try and fix it or take it away so they can feel better, we teach our kids that they can’t handle it on their own. We teach them that they can’t do hard things. We teach them that they aren’t strong enough, smart enough or capable enough to get through this challenge.
And in a world where they are going to come up against hard things A LOT in their life…that is not the message we want to be sending. If we want our teens to be able to grow through their challenges, learn resilience and courage and perseverance, they have to develop the skill of being able to feel bad.
The other message we send when we try and make our kids feel better, is that negative emotion is bad. And while you may think that is true right now, I hope by the end of this podcast you may see things differently. It has taken some time for me to come around to this idea, but I believe that emotions aren’t as simple as “good” or “bad” and our capacity to experience all different emotions is the key to resilience and the key to creating the life we want.
So what do you do when your teen feels bad? How do you help them if you aren’t supposed to fix it or take it away?
Here are 3 simple steps you can follow when your teen feels bad.
1. Check your own emotions first.
Usually the reason we don’t want our child to feel bad is because our thoughts about them feeling bad make us feel bad. And since our brain thinks negative emotions are dangerous to us, it tries to get us to avoid them. But emotions aren’t dangerous. They may feel uncomfortable or even painful, but emotions are just vibrations in our body that are caused by our thoughts – by sentences in our brain. The better we get at processing our negative emotions, the more we come to realize that we can totally handle them.
So figure out what it is you are feeling: Is it fear, panic, sadness, distress, worry, anxiety? And then process that emotion before you try to support your teen.
Until you deal with your own emotions, you won’t be able to help your teen with their emotions. If you only take one thing from this podcast episode, let it be the importance of processing your own emotions before you try to help your teen with theirs.
If you have never processed an emotion before, I will link to a free resource in the show notes that teaches you my 5 simple steps for processing any emotion. https://client.jenbelltate.com/processingemotions
When you are heartbroken and worried and frantically trying to solve for their emotions, your teen will try to protect you from seeing their hurt. They will pretend things are ok, play it down or avoid talking about it altogether. Don’t add to their suffering by giving them the burden of your emotions too.
2. How could this actually help them?
Typically when our child feels bad, we think things like, “this is terrible!” “They shouldn’t have to feel this way.” “This is so unfair.” “Why do they have to go through this.” We catastrophize things and think about all the horrible things that might come from this. We go all mama-bear and want to defend our little cub against all the unfair, horrible things trying to hurt them.
And it makes sense. Our mothering instinct is to protect our child from danger. And our brain doesn’t differentiate between physical and emotional danger.
But since it doesn’t serve our teen for us to jump in and fix things, we need to direct our brain to something different. Instead I want you to consider how this experience could actually help your teen.
Many of the emotions we consider to be “negative” emotions are actually really helpful for us. They feel uncomfortable or even painful when we experience them, but they actually create what we want in our lives.
A few weeks ago on Instagram I asked which emotions are hardest to watch your child experience and I got a bunch of different responses. And in every single case, the emotion that was so hard for parents to watch was one that could lead to something helpful. Here are a few examples:
Feeling scared can lead to taking measures to prepare for, prevent or avoid danger
Feeling lonely can lead to looking for new friends
Feeling left out can lead to being more inclusive
Feeling disappointment can lead to confidence in your ability to do hard things
Feeling sad can lead to empathy
Feeling vulnerable can lead to connection
Feeling physical pain can lead to seeking help for healing
Feeling frustration can lead to innovation and creativity
Challenge yourself to look for the ways that this “negative” emotion may actually help them become the person they need to become.
3. Hold space for them to experience the emotion
When you truly see your teen’s emotions as a necessary part of their experience, you will be able to show up and support them through it. When you feel confident in their ability to get through it, they will be able to use your confidence as evidence that they can believe in themselves. When you don’t think of their negative emotion as a problem to be solved, they won’t feel pressure to get over it or feel like they need to protect you from it.
So let them know you are confident in their ability to do hard things.
Acknowledge what they are feeling and reassure them that they will get through it.
Let them know you are there to support them in any way they need you to.
They may want you to sit beside them or leave them alone. They may want you to be quiet or they may want your suggestions. Let them process their emotions in whatever way works best for them.
If they want to talk through it…listen. Be curious about what they think and feel and why. This is not the time to offer advice or tell them what you think they should do.
If they are open to it, the best thing you can do is to share the steps of processing emotions and your experience doing it. Teaching them this skill is the best gift you can give your teen because it is a skill that will serve them so well in their life.
I hope these three tips will come in handy the next time your teen is feeling bad. Processing emotions is a skill that we develop as we practice it. Don’t wait until you are in the midst of a really hard challenge to start. The best time to teach your teen how to process their own negative emotions is before they come. Then when you guide them through the process in the midst of a challenge, they feel supported instead of lectured.
If you are enjoying the things you are learning here on the podcast, will you leave me a rating or review? I love helping parents discover the joy of raising teens and your ratings and reviews help more parents find the podcast and the help and support they need. And, if you need help with anything we learned here on the podcast today, I would love to help you with your specific situation in a free parenting strategy session. I only take a few sessions each week, so check the show notes for details on how to schedule yours today. https://client.jenbelltate.com/freemini
