Have you ever read the children's book, The True Story of the Three Little Pigs? I read this book when I was a child, and I was so fascinated by it. It is the story of the three little pigs. But told from the wolf's perspective, he tells his story that he was getting ready to make a birthday cake for his dear old Granny and he had a terrible cold and he needed a cup of sugar. So he went to his neighbor's, the pig, and knocked on the door, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in," he just wanted to borrow a cup of sugar. But then he huffed and he puffed and he sneezed because he had a terrible cold and his sneeze blew the whole house down. Of course it killed a little pig. And he's not gonna’ leave fresh bacon lying there, so he ate the pig and moved along to try and find a cup of sugar for dear old granny's birthday cake... It's such a fun book, but I was so fascinated by the idea that it offered such a different view of a story I knew so well.
Later in my life, I was still fascinated by stories and the different ways you can tell them and I decided to get my college degree in public relations. If you aren’t familiar with what public relations is, their job is to get other people to talk about their cause or company in a positive way. They simply want their side of the story to be represented. Sometimes PR professionals get a bad rep for misrepresenting a story by spinning or twisting it to benefit them more, and I am sure that happens plenty, but more often they are just providing a different perspective on the facts.
How you tell a story matters
Being able to tell a story in a way that benefits you is actually a really helpful skill to have…whether or not you work in public relations. In fact, we do this all day every day. We see the things happening around us and we make up a story about it based on our unique perspective and experience in the world. 5 people could experience the same thing and they would all tell a different story about it because of their unique perspective.
Think about your experience growing up. If you had siblings, you might notice that when you talk about your childhood together, you all remember it a little bit differently. Even thought you had the same parents and lived in the same home and experienced the same things together, you all interpreted those things in different ways. Your brain made up a unique story about each experience.
Same with your kids. It is always surprising to me when I talk to my husband about one of our kids and he has a totally different perspective about that child than I do. Often I get annoyed with things that he finds endearing or funny and vice versa. We are talking about the same child, in the same situation at the same time, but we experience it very differently.
And this skill has come in really handy in my parenting. When I had toddlers who didn’t want to do something, I could reframe it in a way that made it more appealing to them. Instead of putting the books away, it became a challenge to see if they were tall enough to get the books on the shelf. When they didn’t want to do their Saturday chores, I could help them see it as a game or a race with a secret treasure prize at the end. Instead of broccoli on their plate, they were roaming through a forest full of trees and they had to eat the bushy top part so they could find their way.
Tell a better story
Spinning a story is actually a really powerful tool when you use it intentionally. But often we don’t even realize we are telling a story. We confuse the facts of what happened with our story about what happened. We accept the default story that our brain comes up with and often that story makes us feel helpless, powerless, and playing the role of the victim.
The real power comes when you intentionally decide what story you are going to tell. Instead of just accepting the default story your brain comes up with, you choose a story that makes you feel empowered, capable and even heroic.
What makes a Hero?
Think about the hero from a movie or a book or a tv series. Heroes face challenges and overcome them. The hero of the story faces the challenge and overcomes it by looking for strength inside themselves that they didn’t even know they had and they learn an important lesson from the challenge. The whole purpose of the story – book, movie, tv show, whatever – is to show the struggle of this hero and ultimately their triumph over whatever the challenge is. The hero gets what they want or becomes who they need to be.
Who is the hero in the story you are telling about your life? Often we cast other people in that role when we are telling our own story, but what if you could be the hero in your story? In your story, right now, you're in the middle of your journey, maybe this is the part where you're coming up against the really, really hard challenge. Maybe the story you are telling right now is: I can't do this, this is too hard. I'm never going to make it through. What if you spin the story to something different? What if your story is: This is the part where I try all different tactics and strategies until I overcome. This is the part where I come up against the challenge and keep going until I conquer it. Of course it going to be hard, because heroes face hard challenges.
What’s in a backstory?
Maybe your back-story was really messy. I want you to think about every superhero movie you have ever watched. Can you think of one that doesn’t have a messy back story? They are all full of tragedy and struggle because that's what shapes a hero. That messy back story is exactly what prepares them to face the challenges. So if your back story was messy, if you have failed in the past, if you have experienced heartbreak or tragedy, you are in good company. You have experienced the making of a hero. Make sure that you cast yourself in the role of the hero when you tell your story. Tell the story of your past as the experiences that built you and shaped you and grew you into the hero who is ready to face whatever challenge comes your way.
Maybe you failed. Maybe you failed a lot. How many stories do you know where there is only one challenge the hero has to face? Tell me one story where the hero is successful right out of the gate? That would be a very very short movie, book or tv show. The conflict is exactly what keeps the story interesting, it's what shows us that the hero has what it takes to overcome.
How to be a SuperMom
What would happen if you applied this to your parenting? What role are you playing right now in the story you are telling about your parenting? Are you the victim of your teen’s behavior and choices? Are you the villain always trying to ruin the plan? Are you the sidekick just there to support someone else by doing a lot of work but not making any of the decisions? Or are you the hero?
Supermom is a term that comes with a lot of baggage. We have used it to describe moms who seem to do it all. We have used it as a measuring stick to judge ourselves and come up lacking. We have used it as a weapon against ourselves.
But I want to redefine it. A supermom is the hero of her own story. She is the one who faces the challenges and the struggles and doesn’t quit until she has won. She is the one who has a messy backstory that she uses to shape her and mold her into the amazing woman and mother she is today. She fights hard for the people she loves. And sometimes she loses the battle, but that doesn’t mean she gives up. She is the one who gets up and tries again. The supermom doesn’t always know it will work out. She loses her confidence in the middle and needs a guide or a friend to step in and help her out. She might have a sidekick who comes in to save the day just when she needs it most. And that might be the part of the story you are in right now. Feeling discouraged, and ill-equipped and wondering if you are up to the task. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t the hero…in fact, I think it means you are.
YOU are the hero in your story. YOU are the one who will overcome the challenges and save the day. And when it seems like maybe you aren’t the hero after all, I would love to be your guide, your friend, your coach, your sidekick: the one who reminds you who you really are. Because I know without a doubt that you were made to be the HERO of your story. https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership
How are you telling your story?
Check in with yourself. As you have been listening, what impressions have come to your mind? How are the stories you are telling about your life impacting your relationships? Your parenting? Your confidence? Your sense of purpose? What stories are you telling that are casting you in the role of the victim, the villain, the sidekick, or the extra…standing around watching everything else happen?
Whatever part of the story you're telling in a way that casts you as anything but the hero, spin it. Consider how you can tell it from a different perspective. If you were the hero in the story…what would you do? Stop telling the story of the girl with a tragic past who doesn’t know what to do. Tell the story of a heroic mom who has overcome every challenge in her path so far and has been prepared for this very moment.
When you learn to be the hero of your story, you will teach your teen to be the hero of theirs. Sometimes it is easier as a mom to see how this is true for your children than how it is true for you. Think about your teen as the hero of their story. The challenges they are facing right now are their backstory. They are learning just what they need to learn. What role do you play in their version of the story? Personally, I want to be the trusted sidekick or confidant in my kids’ stories. I want to be the one they turn to when things get hard. I want to be the one who reminds them who they are when they feel like hope is lost and they are not enough. Help your teen see how they are the hero in their story.
If you need help rewriting your story, schedule a free parenting strategy session with me. I will remind you who you are and help you see how you are the hero of your story. https://client.jenbelltate.com/freemini
