POD – 5 Benefits of Imperfect Parenting
Have you ever wondered if your kids got the short stick when it came to their parenting matchup? I definitely have. I remember one particular phase of my life where I was barely holding it all together. I was so overwhelmed by the stacks of paper that would come home in my kids backpacks every day that I would let it pile up until everything was last minute. I had missed the deadlines for signups so I was making calls and begging them to let us sign up late. The birthday party I was supposed to RSVP to the week before was happening tomorrow and now I had to text the mom and see if there was still space for one more kid and go pick up a last-minute gift.
One of my kids in particular is very organized and it seemed like I was always missing things that really mattered to her. I often wondered if she would have been better off with a mom who had her crap together. Who wasn’t flying by the seat of her pants all the time trying to keep up with the barrage of kids and school work and responsibilities.
On the other hand, I love to throw big parties. And when I say big, I mean invite 150 people and secretly hope only 100 can make it because we don’t have anywhere to put everyone if they all show up. (I kid a little here…we genuinely want all the people to come and we would totally make it work if they all showed up). But I have a couple of kids who don’t love giant parties. And often when they are locking their doors to protect their belongings from the chaos of dozens of people running around our house I wonder if maybe they would be better off with a mom who doesn’t throw giant parties all the time.
And, of course, I realize that my kids are so lucky to have a stable, happy home. I have felt heartbroken wondering why some kids have parents who abuse, ignore or manipulate them. It seems so unfair that some kids seem to have ideal lives and some are living in a nightmare.
And while I don’t have the answers to that question, I do know one thing for sure.
There are NO perfect parents.
Even the ones that seem like the world’s greatest parents still fall short all.the.time.
And that might seem discouraging. You love your kids so much and you just want to be a great parent. And now, here I am telling you that perfect parents don’t exist.
But I actually think this is the best news there is because imperfect parenting comes with a whole bunch of seriously great benefits. Here are 5 of my favorites:
5 BENEFITS OF IMPERFECT PARENTING
1. More resilient teens
Resilience is the ability to handle any emotion. The less perfect you are as a parent, the more opportunities your teen has to practice dealing with emotions like frustration and disappointment.
Your teen is bound to experience plenty of frustration and disappointment in their life and I am definitely not suggesting you cause more of it on purpose. BUT when your teen experiences frustration and disappointment in their home, with a parent who loves them and is trying their best, they learn that frustration and disappointment are not the end of the world.
Not only do they get to practice working through those emotions, they might even learn how to use them for their benefit and growth. If you want to help your teen master challenging emotions – whether they are caused by your imperfect parenting or something else – you can grab my free processing emotions guide at the link in the show notes. https://client.jenbelltate.com/processingemotions
2. Closer relationship
One of my favorite benefits of imperfect parenting is the way it can deepen our connection with our kids and help us to grow closer in our relationship. When you make mistakes or fall short, it humanizes you to your teen. They see that you aren’t perfect, that you make mistakes, just like they do. Instead of feeling like you are untouchable or unattainable, your teen realizes that even if you have nothing else in common, you are both humans who make mistakes.
Imperfect parenting also deepens our relationships by inviting us to go deeper than the surface. When we work through conflict and find a way to resolve it, our connection becomes stronger. When we apologize, understand another perspective and forgive someone, our relationship becomes more intimate. We don’t just know each other on the surface level, we begin to know who they really are.
The friends that I am closest with are the ones who have gone through the hard stuff with me. The one who watched my sleeping toddler when I had to put my dog down and then hugged me while I sobbed on her shoulder. The one who cheered me on through the hardest parts of raising infant twins and believed in me when I didn’t believe I was up to the task. The one who was always there to fill in the gaps for me when I just couldn’t do it all during the years I served as PTO President. When you and your teen get through the hard stuff together, your relationship will get stronger. Your imperfect parenting will give you lots of opportunities to work through the hard stuff.
3. Better conflict resolution skills
Conflict resolution skills will help our teens in so many ways! Right now while they are in school dealing with group projects and navigating social relationships and down the road when they have jobs and in-laws and a family of their own.
Your imperfect parenting gives them a chance to practice those conflict resolution skills. When you make mistakes or you just don’t do or say what they want, you both have to work through the process of resolving the conflict between expectations and reality. The more opportunities your teen has to practice this the better they get at it, so your imperfect parenting is really just turning them into conflict resolution experts.
When you make mistakes, apologize. Admit when you are wrong. Your imperfections as a parent will give you lots of opportunities to set the example for your teen of how to own your mistakes and take responsibility to make it right. They will follow the example of how they see you apologize and admit your mistakes more than anything you tell them about apologizing.
Apologizing for your shortcomings and mistakes gives your teen an opportunity to see your perspective and understand where you might have been coming from. This is key to developing empathy…another important skill your teen needs to develop.
And when you apologize, you give your teen the opportunity to practice forgiving. Holding onto resentment and anger only hurts the person who is feeling those emotions, so learning to forgive will contribute to a much happier life for your teen.
4. Better solutions to problems
When I was little, my mom didn’t bake. No shade to my mom – she isn’t big on sweets and she worked and was involved in a zillion other things. But I really wanted to learn how to bake. So when I was a teenager, back in the days before youtube and internet searches – I taught myself how to bake. I got resourceful and hunted down a good chocolate chip cookie recipe in my mom’s giant Betty Crocker cookbook and followed all the directions with exactness. Another time I made dozens of frosted sugar cookies and delivered a plate to all my friends for Valentine’s day. For decades now, I have been baking all sorts of cookies and testing recipes and ingredients and my cookies are famous among friends, neighbors and teachers. And I am always willing to share so if you want my favorite cookie recipes, drop your email address here (https://client.jenbelltate.com/cookierecipe) and I will send them your way! My mom’s lack of baking skills led me to being resourceful and figuring it out for myself.
Your imperfections might be exactly what your teen needs to unlock their creativity and resourcefulness. My daughter quickly learned that if she wanted to go to all the birthday parties and get registrations in on time, she was going to have to take matters into her own hand and to the day she brings me her forms mostly filled out and stands there and points to the things I need to finish. She is one of the most organized humans I know…and I feel like I get full credit for that because had I not been a hot mess about keeping up with all the papers for most of her life she would have had no reason to develop that skill on her own.
If you don’t show up for everything, teach every skill, exercise utmost patience and kindness at all times and provide them with everything their little heart desires, your teen will learn how to take responsibility for getting what they want and making things happen for themselves.
And when you are open with them about the stuff you can’t keep up with, you can work together to come up with better solutions. When you collaborate to figure out how to fill in the gaps of your imperfect parenting, you will come up with more creative ideas, more efficient ways of doing things and strategies that utilize everyone’s best talents and abilities.
5. Releases the pressure of perfection
When you show your teen that you aren’t perfect, you give them permission to be themselves…even though they aren’t perfect.
When I am feeling like a hot mess, I don’t want to tell the person who seems like they have everything perfectly together…I want to talk to someone who can relate. Who will make my mess seem like a normal part of life. Your teen is the same way. When they see and know your imperfections, they feel more comfortable bringing their own imperfections to you. Imperfect parenting is an invitation for your teen to feel safe bringing their mess to you.
Don’t try to hide your mistakes or shortcomings from your teen. Don’t try to pretend that you have it all together when you don’t. Tell them about the dumb stuff you did when you were their age. Tell them about the dumb stuff you did earlier today. Your imperfections are the part of you that make you relatable and real.
And when you talk about your mistakes, make sure you talk about what you are learning from those mistakes and how you can take what you have learned and try again.
Your imperfect parenting will take the pressure off your teen to feel like they need to be perfect and invite them to just be their perfectly imperfect selves.
If you take nothing else away from this episode, I want you to know that you don’t have to be perfect to be a great parent. Your imperfections are exactly what your teen needs. They will help your teen become more resilient, better at conflict resolution and more resourceful. They will strengthen your relationship and release you both from the pressures of perfection.
I want to help you embrace your imperfections and become more confident in your parenting. Schedule a free 30-minute Strategy Session to see how coaching can change your parenting and your relationship with your teen for the better. https://client.jenbelltate.com/freemini
YOU are the exact parent your teen needs and they are so lucky to have you, imperfections and all!
