When I was 16, I experienced some serious friend drama. Something I said got taken out of context and all of my friends stopped talking to me for weeks. They completely avoided me and gave me the silent treatment any time we ended up in the same place at the same time (you know…the whole day long since we were in high school and had similar class schedules). I remember feeling so sad and rejected and alone. I was going through the motions, but I couldn’t eat or sleep or focus or think about anything else. My family was so worried about me and tried to do everything they could to cheer me up and make me feel better, but I was devastated. I was convinced my life was over and I would never recover from this.
As a parent of teens I am sure you already know that teenage friendships are a big deal. Friends are arguably one of the most important things in your teenager’s life. Your teen is actively trying to establish their independence from you by taking a lot of risks, experiencing new things and redefining themselves. In order to feel a sense of belonging, acceptance and safety amidst all this change, they seek it in their friendships.
Your teen is trying on different personalities, exploring different interests and determining who they want to be. And their friends are going through the same process of growing, changing and evolving. This is a totally normal part of their development, but it means their friendships will also have to grow and change…and sometimes even end.
But just because it is normal doesn’t mean it isn’t challenging or painful for your teen to experience. It can be really hard when a new friendship comes along and you feel like you don’t matter to that friend anymore. It can be really painful when a friend changes and you don’t click the way you used to. It can be hard when interests change and the friends you used to spend a lot of time with are now involved in sports or activities that you aren’t involved in. Your teen might feel left-out, lonely or forgotten. And watching your teen suffer is never fun or easy for you as a parent.
Even though you might feel helpless, there is actually a lot you can do to help your teen as they navigate the challenges of teenage friendships. The way you use your influence can either encourage healthy friendships or drive them toward more toxic ones. Of course, I want to help you use your influence for the former. Here are 4 things you can do to help your teen navigate friendship challenges.
1. Reinforce your teen’s worth
When your teen feels loved and accepted for who they are at home, they are much more likely to seek out healthy friendships that reinforce that. The sense of safety and belonging they feel from us helps them feel secure enough to leave friendships where they don’t feel that kind of acceptance.
When we teach our teens that they are worthy of love regardless of their performance or behavior, they develop self-confidence and don’t have to rely on validation or acceptance from others. It is so easy for our teens to get caught up in trying to fit in, even if it means they have to change who they are to do so. Validation from your peers feels good, but when our teens have confidence that their worth is not determined by other people’s opinions of them, they don’t have to seek that validation at their own expense.
The truth is, we want our teens to walk away from friendships that ask them to change who they are to fit in. We want our teens to feel secure enough in their worth to not give in to peer-pressure and do things they don’t want to do or that aren’t in their best interest. Their ability to do that comes from having confidence in their worth.
There is so much more to learn about how to build this kind of confidence and worth in your teen than I have time to share in this episode. This is a huge part of the work we do inside my ENJOY coaching community (https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership), but episode 31 (https://jenbelltate.com/5-tips-for-raising-confident-teens/) of the podcast is also a great place to start by learning 5 tips for raising confident teens.
2. Be the safe place for them when they are going through friend transitions or drama
You need to be the safe place for your teen when they are going through friend drama or transitions. Even if they don’t want to talk to you about it, knowing that they are loved for who they are - no matter what - will mean the world to your teen even if they don’t admit it.
When I was in the midst of friend drama, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it at home. That was the one place where I got a break from the awkwardness and loneliness. If your teen doesn’t want to confide in you, don’t take it personally. Let them know you are there if they ever do want to talk. It may also be helpful to let them know you understand how hard it can be when there are friendship challenges by sharing about a time when you struggled in a friendship.
If your teen does open up, you have to stay out of the drama and resist the urge to tell them what to do. Don’t say things you will regret if they end up working things out.
If they open up to you, listen instead of giving advice. You want to be like a mirror reflecting your teen’s emotions back to them. Mirrors aren’t like the cameras on our phones…they don’t add filters or colors or blur…they just reflect back exactly what is there so you can see yourself from a perspective you couldn’t otherwise see.
Be a mirror by asking open-ended questions that help your teen access their own intuition and decide what THEY want to do. Instead of trying to solve your teen’s problems, you want to help them navigate their emotions so they can make their own decisions. Instead of figuring out what they should do, assume you don’t know what is best for them…and they do.
When you do have concerns about one of your teen’s friends – whether you aren’t sure they are a good influence or you don’t like the way they treat your teen - focus on asking questions about how those things make your teen feel instead of pointing out all the friend’s negative attributes. Doing this will teach your teen how to evaluate friendships instead of making that friend seem even more appealing because you don’t like them.
3. Support and Encourage Friendships
Because friendships are so important to your teen, when you don’t support this normal part of their development, they might start to see you as the bad guy: the barrier between them and their friends. This is not a position you want to be in because if it comes down to choosing your or their friends, biology is working strongly in favor of their friends.
Before this ever becomes an issue, you need to let your teen know that you are in full support of them having strong, healthy friendships. We do this so well when our kids are little because we still have so much control over who they spend time with and what they do together. We arrange playgroups and parties and playdates with other parents we know and trust. And we are there to keep them out of trouble and help them resolve any issues that come up. If we don’t like a certain kid, we can just stop making arrangements for them to play together.
But as our kids get older, we have less influence over who they decide to be friends with. There are more people in their school to make plans with and spend time with. They can face time and text and go to the park or the movies and we aren’t there for any of it. We are slowly but surely losing control and that is scary, so we stop being so supportive and encouraging about ALL their friendships and start to pick and choose which ones we support.
We also start using time with friends as a reward for good behavior or a punishment for bad behavior which can reinforce our position as the barrier between them and their friends.
You can show your teen that you support and encourage their friendships by welcoming their friends into your home. Be kind to your teen’s friends. Learn their names, show an interest in them and support them. Go to their big game, buy stuff from their fundraiser, buy their favorite snack when you know they are coming over.
Not only will this show your teen that you support their friendships, but it will give you insight into what your teen is actually experiencing in their friendships and help ease your fears about their friends. It will also help you get to know their friends so that you can guide your teen to consider friendship qualities – good and bad - that they may not have noticed on their own. Speak kindly about their friends – again, if you have concerns focus on directing your teen to how they feel around that friend instead of the friend’s negative qualities.
Finally, prioritize your teen spending time with their friends. Support them in finding opportunities to make friends and spend time with friends. Encourage them to get involved in extracurricular activities, sports, youth groups, and clubs where they can develop friendships.
4. Teach them how to be a good friend
You are much more likely to find good friends when you know how to be a good friend, so teach your teen how to be a good friend. This is especially helpful when your teen feels left-out or lonely.
Teach your teen to be the one who invites and includes others. When they feel like they need a friend, teach them to look for other people who need a friend.
Make sure your teen knows that people change…including them. It is okay to outgrow a friendship…in fact, it is totally normal for your friends to change over the years.
One of the things I admire in my own kids is that they never limit themselves to just one friend group. They have lots of different friends they can hang out with for different kinds of activities – which is great when you are exploring lots of things to find what you like. And, when you expand your circle to include lots of different friends, a falling-out with one group doesn’t leave you completely alone.
Most of all remind your teen that who they are is enough. You have to be yourself if you want to attract true friends who will like you for YOU! Friendships where you feel a lot of pressure or have to pretend to be something you’re not aren’t worth having.
I hope these tips will help you support your teen as they navigate the ups and downs of friendships during the teen years. I know that watching your teen struggle in friendships can be heart-wrenching as a mom and if that is something you are dealing with right now, I feel for you! I would love to support you so that you can feel strong enough to help and support your teen in healthy ways. Let’s chat about the specifics of your situation and figure out your next step during a free parenting strategy session (https://client.jenbelltate.com/freemini). I only offer a few sessions a week, but if you hurry and book at the link in the shownotes, one of them can be yours.
