I can hardly believe it, but my oldest child turns 18 in a few weeks, and as we get closer and closer to him becoming an official adult, I have been thinking a lot about the difference between influence and control and which one I really want to use in my parenting. This is a topic that comes up all the time as I'm coaching parents because we as parents of our teenagers want so badly to control them.
We want them to do the things that we think we know are best for them. But what our teens need the very, very most right now in this phase of their life is independence. They need to start learning how to do things for themselves, and we have to give up control in order for them to do that.
The Parable of the Peach Tree
I was talking to my kids about the difference between influence and control the other day as I was thinking through this podcast episode and what I might want to share, and they had just finished watching Kung Fu Panda and my son shared a really great example of the difference between influence and control.
In Kung Fu Panda as master Shi Fu is teaching Poe about kung fu, he shares the example of a peach tree. You can plant the seed of a peach tree, you can plant it in the fertile ground, you can water it, you can make sure it gets enough sunshine and it will start to grow. But you can't control how fast it grows. You can't control how many blossoms are on that tree. You can't control how quickly the blossoms turn into peaches or how quickly those peaches ripen and are ready to be picked. All you can control is how you care for that peach tree, how you set it up for success, and that is the same with our teenager.
We cannot control how ripe and lovely that peach is going to turn out, but we can influence it by making sure the tree is planted in fertile ground. It gets a lot of sunlight and water. We can make sure that the environment in our home is an environment where our teen will thrive and grow. We can make sure that we parent in a way that will help them reach their full potential as much as we want to fight.
We can’t control our teenagers
We don't have control when it comes to our teens. We can't control anything they do. We can offer punishments and rewards and consequences to try and convince them to do the things that we want them to do. We can use fear and manipulation. We can yell. We can try every tactic to try and control them, but ultimately they get to decide for themselves.
Think back to when your teenager was just a little baby, when they were just getting old enough to learn how to walk. At first as a parent, you had to completely support them. You had to hold both of their hands tightly so that they could learn the process of putting one foot in front of the other on the ground, right?
And then as they got a little more stable, a little better at the mechanics of putting one foot in front of the other, you didn't have to hold them so tightly. You could just put one finger under each of their hands and help them cruise around the room, taking steps one in front of the other. As their balance got better, you could let go with one finger and just have one finger holding them up.
And they were doing the rest of the work to walk. And finally, when they were ready to take steps all on their own, you got to stand with open arms as they walked towards you. Your role was never to move their feet for them, it was never to take the steps. Your role was to guide them, to support them, and to open your arms to show them the way to go.
Your influence is your most valuable parenting tool
Your influence is your greatest asset as a parent. But so often we are so busy trying to move our teen’s feet exactly where we want them to go, that we can't step back and open our arms to receive them. If you want to have more influence with your teen, there are a couple of things that you can do that will really help you to make sure you're focusing on influence instead of control.
4 Ways to Increase your Influence with your Teen
1. Define your success as a mom
The first thing is to understand that your success as a mom has nothing to do with how your teen turns out. Think of any large family that you know, and every one of those kids takes a different path, so it can't be the parent that determines the outcome for the child. Of course we can do everything in our power to give our kids the best shot at success, to make sure we nurture them and love them and provide for them in all the ways we can, but ultimately, it's up to them who they want to become.
As you truly start to understand this, as you start to live it and believe, You will not feel so much of a need to control your child because no longer is your child's behavior. Defining your own worth.
2. Know what you value most.
Another crucial element of increasing your influence with your teen is knowing your highest values, knowing the things that you really care most about. If you had to narrow the things that you could teach your teen down to one. You can only teach them one thing their whole lifelong, what would that one thing. Now, I'm guessing you might not be able to narrow it down to one. I know that I cannot. But as you try and narrow it down to one thing, you are going to notice that there are some very specific things that are at the very top of your list.
Those are the things to focus on and to teach and to help your child understand and so much of the rest of it we have to let go if we want them to learn those most important things. We need to narrow our focus to teaching them those most important things.
Even if we try, we could never teach our teen everything they need to know to be a functional, responsible, healthy adult.When we narrow our focus to the most important things, it will be enough.
3. Actions speak louder than words
Another important part of growing our influence is teaching by example instead of by words. We have such a predisposition as parents to teach our kids by lecturing them and talking to them, but they don't want to hear it. In fact, they tune us out most of the time.
But what they learn from the most is our example. The way we treat them, the way we treat others, the way we treat ourself is shaping the way our teenager will grow up. To allow other people to treat them, and to treat others and to treat themselves. What is your teenager learning from the example that you are setting day in and day out? Make sure it is the example you want them to learn.
This is where your influence is the greatest, which is why in my coaching I always say that you have to start with you. The work you do on yourself as a mom, that is the work that will start the ripple effect. As you change, you will influence everyone around you, and that is true influence.
4. Love your teen
The final way that we can increase our influence is just by loving our teens. I know I share this all the time, but we have to love them. Our relationship with our teenager is the greatest indicator of whether we will be able to influence them.
Sure we could control their actions right now in the here and now. We can take away their phone. We can limit their time with friends. We can force them to do things because we have a little bit more control since we are their legal guardian. But ultimately, they're going to become an adult and they're going to be able to make decisions for themselves. And if you have not built the kind of relationship that feels safe, that feels like trust, that feels like home, that feels like it's in their best interest -- you will lose the ability to influence them long after they turn 18 and leave your house.
We want long-term influence. Our teens are only teens for a few years. Most of their life is spent as an adult, and we don't want our influence to end when they leave our home.
Use a lightswitch, not a flashlight
I want to share one final example. Imagine that you are in a dark room with your teenager and in that room there are a lot of things that you could trip on or places where you could get hurt. What would be more helpful in that situation? Would it be better to take a flashlight and shine it right in front of their feet so they could get one step at a time, or would it be better?
To find the light switch and turn on the light switch so the whole room could be lit up. That is the power of your influence. Be a light switch instead of a flashlight.
If you need help finding that light switch so that you can turn on the light of your influence, please reach out to me and schedule a parenting strategy session. I will help you find your way to the light switch that you can turn on, that will increase your influence right away. https://client.jenbelltate.com/freemini
