What comes to mind when you think of self-care? If you are like most people, you think of spa days, pedicures, vacations without your kids, and I love all of those things. But last spring I was reading the book “The Lazy Genius Way” by Kendra Adachi and I came across a quote in the book that stopped me in my tracks. "Self-care should be a regular practice of doing what makes you feel like yourself, it's a practice of remembering who you are." Isn’t that awesome?
Self-care needs to be a regular practice in our lives. The goal is not to take a break from your life, it is to make your life feel better. It helps you feel more like yourself and remember who you are. We need this so badly as moms. So many of my clients feel like they don’t even know who they are anymore. Now that their kids are getting older they feel an identity crisis of sorts. Their kids used to need them all day every day and now they only come around when they need something or want something. Their calendar is packed full of activities, but none of it is stuff that actually fills their cup. They have time to fill during the day but it seems to go by so quickly that they don’t feel like they get anything meaningful done. They wonder about their purpose and whether anything they do really matters.
When you feel like you are “lost” in motherhood, the rest of the world misses out on the contributions YOU could be making. The world needs YOU because you are different than anyone else in it. Your unique talents and interests and experiences uniquely qualify you for the contributions that only you can make. I love helping moms rediscover the light inside of them they thought was extinguished. And it starts with remembering who you are.
It is so interesting to me that so many moms start to experience this right as their kids reach their teen years, because teens are actually experiencing something really similar. They are trying to figure out who they are. They often feel out of place or like they don’t belong and whether anything they do matters. Their schedules are packed full of activities they have to do, but don’t always feel fulfilling (remember high school anyone?). Your teen looks to your example so how will they learn to remember who THEY are, if we don’t remember who WE are. In a world that gives them a hundred thousand examples of who they can be, we want to be the kind of moms who help them look INSIDE to discover who they actually are.
Self-care not only enables us to remember who we are, it also allows us to be an example and support our teens in discovering who they are. It is vital to optimizing our influence as a parent, but not in the buzz-word way it often gets presented. We need meaningful, fulfilling self-care that helps us to feel more like ourselves and remember who we are. That is going to look different for every person. Today I want to share 5 of my self-care practices in hopes that it will inspire you to think about self-care in a new way. Feel free to steal them for yourself or adapt them to fit your needs.
Before we jump in, let’s talk about the classic “self-care” cliché of spa days and pedicures. Don't get me wrong, I love a good pedicure, and I get massages regularly. Pampering self-care is important and definitely has its place. But for most of us, that can’t be a daily or even weekly practice. Pampering is a great break from our regular life. It takes us out of our role as a mom for an hour or two and lets us feel like a woman instead, but then we have to go back to our regular life (with polished nails and less tension in our back, of course). Sometimes it can even feel like the contrast makes our regular life feel even worse. So pamper away, but just know that it doesn’t replace true self-care.
1. Have FUN!
As moms, we have to be intentional about having fun or we might get so busy making sure everyone else is having fun that we forget to have fun ourselves. When you let yourself really truly have fun, you feel like yourself. You remember who you are and what you like. You are able to be present in the moment and laugh and get excited. When was the last time you had FUN? When you were happily experiencing the present moment and not worried about anything else? When was the last time you had fun with your teen? If you aren’t joining in and actually having fun with your teen, you are missing out on one of the best ways to connect and grow closer. They need to see you being your true self and that happens when you are really having fun. Fun is different for everyone: it might be reading a book by the pool, playing games with your family, bird watching or sky diving. If you have forgotten how to have fun, go out and try lots of things until you remember.
2. Regular Spiritual Practice
Number two is to have a spiritual practice. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ, of Latter-Day Saints and my faith is important to me. I know many other religions have spiritual practices that they encourage. And even if you are not a religious person at all, I still think you can apply this in your life. I hope you will consider how a spiritual practice could connect you to a higher version of remembering who you are and doing what makes you feel like yourself. My spiritual practice is that I read scriptures every day. It doesn't matter what the scriptures are about, every single time I read, I remember who I am. I remember that I am a daughter of God who loves me just the way I am. That I am not alone. I am part of something greater than me. I remember that motherhood isn’t who I am, it is a divine calling I get to fulfill. This spiritual practice reminds me who I am and it helps me feel like the whole version of myself. It reminds of the divinity in my children and my responsibility to help them see that in themselves. If you don't have a spiritual practice, I encourage you to start to do something that connects you to a higher power or a wider perspective that helps you remember who you are and that you matter.
3. Dream BIG!
The third thing I do is I dream. I love to dream up fun ideas. I love to set goals even if I don't want to do the work to reach them. I love to dream about what's possible! I love to dream about the future and the potential it holds. It gives my brain permission to think about what I want – even if it isn’t realistic. I'm able to identify the things that matter to me, that would be fun to me, that would be cool to me, that I want in my life. If you are in a hard stage of life right now, dream about how things will be different in 3, 5 or 10 years. This can give you a little bit of space from your current situation. It can give you hope that this stage won’t last forever. It might even offer you some perspective that helps you enjoy the stage you are in a little more. Give yourself permission to dream about things that may never happen. You may be surprised at how much dreaming makes you feel like yourself again.
4. Keep learning
I haven't always loved to learn, but as I've gotten older, I've realized how much I love learning. I love taking classes, learning new skills and reading about new information that fascinates me. It helps me feel like a whole person who has interests and purpose and something to contribute to a conversation. I remember who I am and that I have ideas and opinions and thoughts. I have found that my love of learning has also helped me connect with my kids. Because I am always learning new things that excite me, I want to share about them. It gives us something to talk about other than school. It invites them to share the things they are passionate about or interested in It is especially fun when we share an interest and we can talk about things we both care about. There are so many ways available to you to keep learning. You can take classes online or in person about anything from flower arranging to cool stuff from history (anyone other Sharon Says So fans?) You can read or listen to books, learn about current events, watch youtube videos or even just try something new. A few years ago I decided to learn how to build a bed – and with some free plans on the internet and some power tools, I did it. There is nothing more empowering than learning a new skill, finding something to care about, or discovering a new interest.
5. Get coached
I have learned so much about who I am from getting coached. AND, maybe more importantly, I have learned to love myself for who I am through coaching. When you get coached you get to see yourself through a fresh perspective. You get to explore the dreams and hopes and desires inside of you that you have been ignoring. You connect with your highest values, vision and purpose and align your life with them. Coaching helps you dream big, set goals that seem impossible and then get out of your way and make those dreams your reality. Whether your dream is a better relationship with your teen, being less judgmental of others or having a meaningful impact in the world, coaching can help you live that dream. When your teen thinks you are the worst or hates everything you do, coaching can help you recalibrate and remember who you are. When you are struggling with parenting decisions or facing challenges with your teen that rock your world, coaching can help you find the wisdom inside of you. I never stop being surprised by how much I can learn about myself in a 20 or 30 minute coaching session!
If you don’t have a coach, find one! Of course, I would love to be your coach! You can get coaching from me in the ENJOY Coaching community or work with me one on one. Of if you just want to see what it is all about, you can schedule a free coaching session with me. Even if I am not the coach for you, I hope you will find someone who is so you can experience the power of coaching in your life. Listening and learning are amazing, but actually getting coached is how you will change your life.
I wholeheartedly agree with Kendra Adachi, "Self-care should be a regular practice of doing what makes you feel like yourself. It's a practice of remembering who you are." Remember who you are, take care of yourself because you are the only one that's going to do it. If you are ready to up your self-care game and really start doing the things that fill your cup, join us in ENJOY (https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership). This coming month we are going to be creating self-care routines that will help us show up for our lives brighter, happier and ready to contribute. We will be talking about how to fit self-care in when your schedule is packed, how to find the self-care practices that will actually work for YOU and your unique situation, and how self-care actually makes you a better mom so you can do it guilt-free. And, of course, you will get access to coaching from me all along the way. It is going to be so much fun and we’d love to have you there with us!
