Hello, it's so good to be back with you here on a brand new episode of the podcast, and I'm really excited about what we are talking about today. This podcast episode was inspired by a conversation that I had with a mom the other day who was telling me how heartbroken she was because she had lost it with her daughter and she felt like she had damaged their relationship beyond repair.
They had already had a strained relationship and things had been rough for a while. Um, there was a lot of anger and frustration and pent up emotion. And at some point she just got to the end of her rope and she lost it. And now she felt miserable and guilty and heartbroken and like she had failed as a parent and she wanted to know what to do now.
How could she possibly make this right? And I think this is something that a lot of us experience as parents because we are not perfect. We mess up all the time as parents and that is kind of part of the process. And as much as we wish we could be the perfect parent to these kids that we love so much, we can't.
So I wanted to share with you the advice that I gave this mom in hopes that it will help you the next time that you lose your cool with your teen or don't show up the way you wish you had of. Because the truth is, we are all going to mess up when it comes to parenting teens. We are not going to do this perfectly.
In fact, there is no such thing as a perfect parent and that's okay. That isn't even the goal. In fact, even if you could be a perfect parent, you really wouldn't want to be. The strongest relationships are not the ones where there is never any conflict, where there is never any damage to the relationship.
The strongest relationships are the ones that can withstand the challenges and the conflict because they are good at repair. And as crummy as it is to think about the fact that we make those damages to our relationship with our teen, it is actually the best opportunity for us to teach them about healthy relationships and what it looks like to repair damage that has happened in relationships.
Now, in this situation with this mom, she had yelled and lost her temper, but that is not the only way that we might damage our relationship with our teens. We might invade their privacy. We might break their trust. Yes, we might yell and lose our temper. We might make threats that we have no intention of actually following through on, and show our teens that we don't mean what we say, and that they can really get away with whatever they want.
Which sounds like a benefit for our teens, but actually does a lot of damage to our relationship with them when they are looking to us for that stability. We might drop the ball on something we told them we would do. We might embarrass them in front of a friend.
I know there have been so many times as a parent when I have done something and as soon as the words came out of my mouth, as soon as the action was taken, I thought, oh man, I totally messed that up. And I'm sure you have had those moments too.
So what do we do when they happen? Before we can do anything else to repair the relationship, we need to process our own emotions about what just happened. You didn't blow up for no reason. You didn't violate their trust or invade their privacy for no reason.
You had good reasons for doing what you did. You thought somewhere inside of you that it would make things better, or you wouldn't have done it. So you need to process what just happened. Why did you react that way? What was going on for you? What were you feeling? How were you interpreting the things that were happening around you?
What meaning were you giving to the way your teenager was behaving and acting in that moment? Now this is absolutely something you can do on your own But if this is challenging to ask yourself these questions and really work through what was going on for you, this is where a coach can be a really really helpful resource to help you separate yourself from all of the drama and the emotion involved in those moments and give you some outside perspective on what might've been going on for you that caused you to react in that way.
Whether you do this work on your own or with the help of a coach, it is going to bring up some emotions for you. And it's really, really important that you process those emotions. It's easy for us to distract ourselves from those core emotions by feeling all of the guilt and shame about what we did, or by feeling justified that we were in the right and our teenagers shouldn't have acted the way they acted.
It's easy to talk ourselves out of the emotions that we were feeling and tell ourselves we shouldn't have felt that way, we shouldn't have reacted that way. But in order to be able to repair our relationship with our teenager, we have to process the emotions that caused us to act in the way we did. Now if you are listening to this and thinking, okay, great, but how do I process an emotion?
No worries. I've got you. I have a free PDF and video guide that walks you through that process and tells you exactly what you need to do to actually process an emotion. And so you can grab that guide for free. I will put the link in the show notes for you.
Now, once you've processed your own emotions, I want you to take responsibility for your part. Now, this doesn't mean that you have to take responsibility for everything. There were probably a lot of different factors that contributed to why you did what you did, but I want you to take responsibility for the part that was you.
If you yelled and lost your temper with your teen, own it. Own that you responded in a way that was immature and inappropriate.
If you invaded their privacy or broke their trust, own it. Own that you did something you shouldn't have done without talking to them about it first.
Now this part is going to feel terrible. It's like when you're using Instagram filters for a long time and they smooth out your skin and make you look a little bit brighter, a little bit better, and then you stop using them and you're like, Whoa! That's what I really look like? It is seeing yourself clearly.
And until you're willing to see yourself clearly and not blame others and not justify your behavior and not explain why you did what you did, you are not going to be able to repair your relationship with your teen. In the coaching world, we call this emotional adulthood, and it's simply taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions, and not giving responsibility to anything outside of you.
Once you have processed your own emotions and taken responsibility for your part in the conflict, you need to apologize to your teen. Now, if you grew up with a parent who never apologized to you for anything, this might seem like a foreign concept. It might feel like you're giving away all your power or damaging your credibility with your teen.
But trust me when I say apologizing when you make a mistake is one of the best things you can do for your relationship with your teen. Not only is it building a stronger relationship between you and your teen, but it's also teaching them valuable skills that they will need in future relationships in their life where there's conflict or challenges.
Things are not going to be perfect ever in their relationships and they need to know that that's normal and it's something that they can overcome by making repair.
Now when you apologize to your teen, there's some really important do's and don'ts. Do not blame other things. Do not justify what you did.
Do not point fingers at their behavior. This is not the time to correct their bad behavior. What you want to do instead is focus on what was happening for you in the moment. Focus on what you were thinking and feeling that caused you to act the way you did. This process not only makes your apology so much more powerful and your teen much more likely to receive it and think you're being sincere, but it also helps your teen learn how to make connections between the logical part of their brain and the emotional part of their brain.
That is not something they are good at. It is a skill that they are developing. And as adults, we have access to our prefrontal cortex, that logical part of our brain, so we can make the connections between what we were feeling and what we were doing. But our teens do not have that skill yet. So every time we demonstrate this process for them of connecting what we were thinking and feeling with what we did, it actually strengthens those connections in their brain as they see this process unfold.
Now, this does not mean they are going to immediately turn around and be like, well, here's what I was thinking and feeling, and here's why I did what I did. And I'm so sorry, too. That might not happen. In fact, it's not likely to happen.
But they are learning that valuable skill and developing it so that they can make those connections more quickly and more easily in the future.
And finally, after you have apologized sincerely to your teen and let them know what you were thinking and feeling in that moment and why you acted the way you did and how you were wrong in doing that, and you've said, "I am so sorry."
I want you to express your love for that teenager. I want you to tell them how much they mean to you, how much you love them, how much you wish you hadn't done that because your relationship with them means a lot to you and that you're genuinely ready to try and do better in the future.
If they're open to it, end this conversation with a great big hug so both of you can release all of the stress and tension that has been built up by this conflict in your relationship.
I hope this process will be really helpful for you the next time that there is a conflict in your relationship with your teen and that you will remember that it is okay to have conflict. In fact, a parent teen relationship that has no conflict is actually a huge red flag that there are serious problems going on underneath the surface.
So, know that conflict means you are doing it right. You are normal. Your teen is normal. And this conflict is actually a great opportunity for you to build a stronger relationship with your teen and to teach them important relationship skills that they are going to need throughout the rest of their life.
If you need support as you go through this process, if you are navigating some difficult challenges with your teen, or if you feel like your relationship with them is beyond repair, please reach out to me. This is something I am super, super passionate about and something I love to help families with.
You can get ongoing personalized help and support from me inside of my Enjoy Coaching community (https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership), or if you feel like your situation is more severe and you need some one on one help, I do offer a few spots for one on one coaching here and there, and you can reach out to me and find out if that would be a good fit for you.
