As of the time I am recording this, my kids go back to school tomorrow. So I have back to school on the brain and I have been interviewing lots of parents of teenagers over the past couple of weeks to kind of get an idea of the challenges that you are facing, the things that you're dealing with, so that I can make sure that the content I'm sharing here on the podcast is exactly what you need and what will help you in the phase of life you are in right now.
And as I've been talking to parents, a lot of the things that they've been bringing up are similar: similar challenges. And one of those challenges is trying to get your teenager to do what you need them to do. And I think there is nowhere that is more relevant than when it comes to school. How do we get our kids to do the stuff for school that they need to do without having to nag them constantly?
So that is what we are going to be talking about today. Now, I know you know a lot of the things that you need to do to set your teen up for school success, right? You need to have some organization, some routines, you need to have good sleep routines, you need to have boundaries around technology, but there's a one strategy that I think a lot of parents miss that they just don't even realize is so important to their child's school success, and that is creating a process to give your teen more responsibility in the coming school year.
I know it seems almost too simple, but I promise that it will make a huge difference in how the school year goes for your teen. And it will help you manage your stress level about their schoolwork. What your teenager wants more than anything is freedom. They want independence. And this can really work in our favor as parents, because with independence and with freedom comes responsibility.
And so I think often we as parents think about how we can give them more freedom or independence, because that's what they want, when really what we can focus on is giving them more responsibility, which creates more freedom and independence.
The beginning of a new school year is the perfect opportunity to evaluate what your teen is responsible for right now and how you can increase their responsibility for the coming year.
Now we have to be careful and thoughtful about the way that we do this because we don't want to give them so much responsibility that we set them up to fail. We want to give them one small manageable thing that they can take on now that they are a little older, they are a little wiser, that they are a little smarter.
So I want you to start with one thing that they can take responsibility for in the coming months that they haven't in the past. I'm going to go into all the details on how to go about this, how to have these conversations with your teen, how to turn over the responsibility, how to hold them accountable, all of that here in this episode, but before we go any further, I want to get your brain starting to think about things that you might be able to turn over to your child as their responsibilities this year.
The best place to start with ideas is anything that you constantly are fighting with them about. Or if fighting seems like too strong of a word, anything you're constantly nagging them about, and they are getting annoyed that you keep reminding them.
That conflict with your teen is actually a sign that they are wanting more freedom and more independence in that specific area. And the fact that you are nagging them or fighting with them about it is a sign that you are wanting them to take more responsibility in that area. So if we can successfully implement this strategy, you both get exactly what you want.
So how do we do it? Now, before you sit down with your teen to have this conversation one on one and talk about their new responsibilities and freedoms and all of that, I think it's a really great idea to start first with a family council for the coming school year. This is simply a meeting where your whole family is there and you have a conversation about what your goals are for the coming year, and every single person has a voice.
This is not Mom and dad telling the kids what we're doing and how we're doing it and what our new rules are. This is an actual council. This is where we all have conversations together about what hasn't worked in the past, what we want for the year, and how we can work together as a family to achieve it.
Now, this is something we've been talking about over in my Enjoy Community, and I have a whole bonus course on how to have a successful family council, some tips that I have found over the years to make it work a little better for your family, and some warnings for what not to do. So if this is something you are interested in applying in your family, definitely get inside of the Enjoy Community so you get access to that resource and of course so many more. https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership
But at its most basic level, a family council is simply a conversation you have with the whole family about how you want the school year to go so that you're all starting on the same page.
The reason I suggest starting here is that once you've had a conversation as a family and really decided how you want your school year to go together, and everyone has had a voice in that, it's going to feel a lot more natural for you to then have a conversation with your teen one on one where they don't feel on the defensive coming into it because they're not worried that they're getting in trouble or they've done something wrong or you're just trying to lecture them or whatever. And that is so common with our teenagers that they start the conversation on the defensive and it's a downward spiral from there.
When you do have this conversation with your teen, you want to build on the momentum that you started in that family council, on the goals that you set as a family, and then lean into the fact that your teen is getting older. Lean into the fact that you want to give them more independence and freedom, and you think that they are capable and ready for it.
Now, I know you've already been thinking about areas where your teen can take more responsibility because I introduced that earlier in our conversation, and I'm sure your wheels have been spinning ever since.
But instead of going into this conversation and telling them all the things you think, about where they could take responsibility and have some more freedom, get their input first. Ask them where they would like to have some more freedom and some more independence in this coming school year. And I'm sure they will have lots of ideas for you, but if they don't, you've got yours in your back pocket.
Now their ideas for where they want independence and freedom may not be at all related to school, and that's totally okay. The idea is that we're getting them thinking about how freedom and independence are going to relate to having more responsibility, how those two things are going to be tied together. Because if they are allowed to have freedom and independence in the areas that they want it, then they are much more motivated to pay the price and sacrifice by taking responsibility in other areas.
Once you've determined what this is going to look like, how their responsibilities are going to increase, and what freedoms and independence they are going to have as a result of that, you've got to get really clear about the expectations.
I don't want to limit your brainstorming at all, but for the sake of giving an example of what this might look like, If your teen wants more time to hang out with friends on weekdays, they are going to have to be more responsible for their homework, making sure it's done and it gets in on time. You need to set up clear expectations about what both of those things look like.
What the freedom looks like: how many days a week they can hang out with friends, how late they can stay out, how many hours each day, whatever you want that to look like so that they are getting more freedom and more independence.
And then what are the expectations that we're going to set for you being responsible for your homework? Does that mean no late assignments? Does that mean a certain grade that we're getting in each class? Basically, how will we know that they have successfully taken responsibility for that?
Now, the key to making any of this work is that you cannot nag and remind them constantly to take responsibility. The responsibility has to sit on their shoulders. So in this conversation, you've got to let them know that you will not be nagging and reminding them constantly, and you need to make a plan for checking in to make sure they're fulfilling the responsibility.
You want to make sure that this plan is agreed upon by both of you, because if you are checking in with them every single day about whether or not their homework is done, they may not feel like they have responsibility for that.
Whereas if you have set up a time that you're going to check in every Saturday or every other week. And they're going to show you their scores and that everything is turned in, then they really do have responsibility for that. And they either get the reward of the freedom and independence or they don't because they didn't fulfill the responsibility. And that is determined by those check ins.
Now, a word of caution for this to work, you have to be okay with whatever outcome they choose based on their responsibility. If they go two weeks without turning anything in, that is on them and you have to be okay with that. Now, moving forward after those two weeks and they didn't turn anything in, they're not going to have that freedom and independence in the future, but you have to be okay with the consequence. So you want to make sure that you set up the routine for checking in and the clear expectations in a way that will allow you to be okay with whatever outcome they choose.
And then as they show more responsibility, you can actually adjust the routine for checking in so that there's more time between check ins and also more room for them to make mistakes. But they've shown you that they can handle the responsibility, so they've essentially earned more freedom and more independence.
Once this plan is in place, you have to follow the plan. So that means you are not nagging, you are not pestering, you are not asking questions all the time to make sure your child is fulfilling this responsibility that you've agreed upon. You are checking in only on the schedule that you determined.
And you can absolutely check in with them in between, but make sure it's not, "did you get this done? Have you finished all your homework?" But it's more like, "how's it going? Is there anything you need my help or support with any changes we need to make to the plan? Are you feeling okay about it?"
You can also watch for the ways that they are fulfilling this responsibility and make sure and praise their effort. Make sure and praise the things they are doing. And I promise they will want to do more of it.
And finally, you've got to allow those natural or agreed upon consequences to happen. If they go two weeks without doing any homework and turning it in, they are going to get a worse grade in that class. And if you jump in and rescue them, they will not learn anything about how taking responsibility leads to more freedom and more independence.
Now that is the basic idea. You can take this and run with it and apply it in your parenting. But I know there are a lot of nuances and you might have a lot of questions, and this is work that I do with my clients inside of the Enjoy coaching community. So if you want more support and help in doing this in your family, definitely join me inside of Enjoy, and we can work through all of those nuances together. https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership
Now, this is something that applies really well to school responsibilities. But it can also apply to many other responsibilities that we might want to give our kids and many things that we want to teach them to be responsible for. So feel free to get creative and find ways to apply this strategy to other areas where you want to teach your teen to take responsibility so that they can earn more independence and freedom and really develop in healthy ways.
