Years ago, one of my daughters was sick. She had a rash all over her body and she was just not acting like herself. I checked her forehead and I could tell that she had a fever. And so I grabbed the thermometer and checked her temperature and sure enough, it read 105. 8. I called my husband to tell him and see what he recommended to do because he works in family practice and he immediately told me I needed to go to the urgent care right now, that that fever was scary high.
Now my husband is Calm as a cucumber. He is always super chill, especially when it comes to health related stuff. But I could tell that he was a little panicked. Our daughter was only four at the time. So then I felt a little panicked. We got to the urgent care and they felt a little panicked. Everybody was really nervous about this little four year old girl who had a temperature pushing 106.
And we often do the same thing with our teenagers when they have a hot emotion like anger or frustration. We take their temperature and then we start to react to it. When they have a low emotion like anxiety or depression or worry, we take that temperature and then we react to it. We respond to it. And we have a tendency to then change our temperature to meet their temperature.
If they're angry and frustrated, we respond with being angry and frustrated. If they're anxious and depressed, we get anxious and depressed about their anxiety and depression. But this often does not serve us, and it definitely does not serve our children. Instead, we as parents want to be much more like the thermostat in our homes.
I don't know about you, but there's a constant battle at our house. I am constantly turning our thermostat down or up depending on the season. I like it a little cooler in the summer. I like it a little hotter in the winter. And my husband likes to nudge it in the opposite direction to save and conserve energy and resources. I'm actually super curious to know if this same battle happens at your house too.
So send me an email ([email protected]) or send me a message and let me know. Am I alone in this or does this battle happen at your house too? Either way, regardless of where that thermostat is set in your home, the whole house will work together to get to that temperature.
So if it's hot outside and we have the temperature set to a cooler Temperature inside the home, then our air conditioning is going to kick on and it's going to blow. It's going to blow It's going to blow until the house gets to that cooler temperature, even though it's really hot outside.
Likewise in the winter when it is cold outside and we set our thermostat to a higher temperature inside Our heater is going to kick on and it's going to blow that warm air throughout our house until the temperature reaches that thermostat temperature.
The thermostat knows what temperature it is in the room right now, but it also knows what the goal temperature is so it's able to make adjustments in the behavior so that you can reach that goal temperature.
And that is the kind of parent we want to be with our teenagers. Of course it's important for us to know what emotional temperature our teenagers are coming in at. Are they coming in hot, angry, and frustrated?
Are they coming in cold, anxious, and worried? Are they coming in happy and bubbly? Are they coming in really excited about something? All of that is important information for us to know, but our job as the parent is to be the thermostat, to know their temperature and to know what temperature we're striving for in our home and to maintain that level so that they can match to our temperature instead of us matching to theirs.
The reason this is so important is because our kids are wired from birth to co regulate their emotions to our emotions. This is why when your kid was little and they would fall and skin their knee, they would look over at you and before they reacted because they wanted to know, does mom think this is a problem or is mom okay with this?
And based on your reaction, if you were like, “Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, are you okay?” Then they would freak out, right? But if you reacted and you were like, “Oh my goodness, look at you, you can stand right up, you're okay.” Then they would be like, Oh, no big deal, mom's okay with this, I must be okay, and I can keep on going.
This comes in very handy during the teen years when our teenagers’ brains are under construction and they do not have fully developed ability to regulate their own emotions. That's why we talk about teenagers being constantly on that emotional rollercoaster because they don't have that fully developed skill of emotional regulation.
So what they are learning to do is to look around them, at the people around them, and regulate their emotions. to yours, while your teenager probably would never admit it. When you can stay calm and consistent and stable in your emotional temperature, it helps them so much. It gives them a feeling of safety. It gives them a feeling of security.
And the opposite is also true. When you freak out because they're freaking out, they think there's something wrong with freaking out. And they feel unsafe. They feel insecure. It is totally normal and natural for our teenagers to not be emotionally regulated. To feel like their emotions are kind of out of control. They're way up or they're way down.
And so when we are the stable, consistent, emotionally regulated one, they feel safer with that. They don't feel like there's a problem with them. And your example of emotional regulation is actually what teaches your teenager how to bring their own emotions back into a regulated state when they experience those extreme highs and extreme lows.
Again, there's nothing wrong with your teenager experiencing all of these emotions, but often when they're in those extreme highs and extreme lows, they feel out of control. They don't feel safe. So we want to teach them how to come back to an emotionally regulated state where they again feel in control.
The greatest gift that you can give your teen is that of emotional stability from you. Of being the thermostat. Which means allowing them to experience all of their emotions and letting them know that that is okay by showing that you are okay even if they are at a higher or lower emotional temperature.And then we have to stay calm. We have to give them a goal, a destination, an emotional state that they are working toward.
So how do we do it? How do we keep our own emotional temperature regulated when our teens are at those extreme highs and extreme lows? I want to share a couple of ideas with you that will help you become the thermostat in your home.
The first thing you have to do is you have to get really good at emotions for yourself. You have to know how to come back from your own highs and lows into that emotionally regulated state. We are not always going to be emotionally regulated. So you've got to learn how to get yourself from that heightened emotion back to an emotionally regulated state.
And if you don't know how to do that, that's okay. I have a free resource that you can download called Processing Your Emotions (https://client.jenbelltate.com/processingemotions), and it teaches you the process of really feeling and experiencing your emotions in a way that allows you to come back to that regulated state. I will link that in the show notes if you want to grab that resource.
The next thing is that you've got to remember that your teenager's emotional temperature is not about you. It is created by their own thoughts and feelings about the things going on around them. Now you might be one of the things that That is contributing to the thoughts and feelings that they are having, but it is fully determined by their thoughts and their feelings.
And so don't take it personally. If your teenager is having those highs and lows and directing them toward you, it's actually just their experience of being a teenager. And again, it is so normal and natural for them to experience these highs and lows. So. Make sure you're not taking it personally. You're not making their emotions about you and that will help you keep that calm regulated state.
Now, one of my husband's biggest pet peeves is when our kids open their windows at night during the summer to like get that breeze in and then they don't close them in the morning because of course our thermostat is checking for the temperature in the house and the window being open is letting in all of this warm air, right? It's all coming into the room and it's making then the air conditioner work so much harder.
So if you find yourself getting worked up and really starting to match your teenager's emotional state, whether high or low, you need to pause and find a way to close the window. Stop letting in the hot air, stop letting in the cold air that's making your air conditioning or your heating work so much harder to get that thermostat back to where it is.
Sometimes this means you have to take a minute and take a break. One of my coach friends gave the greatest idea for this. She said, when you are feeling your emotions start to rise, say, I've got to go to the bathroom and that will give you a chance to escape, go to the bathroom, regulate your own emotions, go through that process of processing emotions. And then once you are calm, you can come back to your teenager who's in those heightened states and be more able to stay calm yourself.
I hope these simple tips will help you so that you can become the thermostat in your home instead of constantly Having to match the highs and lows of your teenagers' emotions.
If you want more help actually doing this in your home, I know sometimes it's easy to hear these concepts and think yes that makes so much sense. But if you want help actually doing it, I encourage you to join me inside of my ENJOY community where I can personally help you through Marco Polo coaching and through lots of other resources and trainings in there to be the thermostat in your home. https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership
