When Your Teenager Argues About Everything
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If You have a teenage girl, you might be aware of the status that comes along with Lululemon. You also might know this if you are just a woman living in the world.
So today I want to share with you a story about the Lululemon cross body bag, aka the $60 fanny pack. Back when the Lulu crossbody bag really started to be a big deal and a trendy thing for teenagers I thought it would be really fun to get them for my girls I had seen that there was gonna be a sale coming up and that they might be included. So I started to do some research and find out what color and style my girls would want.
So I brought it up in conversation one day when I was sitting with my sister in law and my girls and I was like, Ooh, have you seen those Lululemon crossbody bags?
And immediately one of my daughters went completely on the defensive. "Mom, those are so not cool. Those are like old lady bags."
I was taken a little by surprise, especially because a lot of her friends at the time were getting these cross body bags. And I knew that they were kind of a cool thing at her school. So I pushed back a little bit and we got into this whole argument about whether or not Lululemon cross body bags were cool.
I was so annoyed that she was fighting with me about it that I even brought it up with some of her friends. "Hey, what do you think about the Lululemon cross body bag?" Just to kind of rub it in her face that it was a cool thing and I was right. Not my finest parenting moment to be sure.
So I didn't order them Lululemon crossbody bags. Instead, I ordered one for myself and over the next few months my girls started borrowing my Lululemon crossbody bag. Even though they had told me it was so uncool. In fact, they borrowed it so much that eventually we surprised them and bought them their very own Lululemon crossbody bags.
I know this is kind of a funny example, but why is it that our teenagers want so badly to argue with us, even about things that don't make any sense, even about opinions they might not actually have? Why do they want to argue with us about everything?
As frustrating as it can be for your teenager to argue with everything you say, it actually is a great sign that they are developmentally right on track. Because the teenage years are the time when our teens are supposed to separate themselves from us. They have to become their own person. They have to differentiate themselves from us and from our family.
And while they still live in our home, they don't have a lot of control over the things they do, over where they live, over how we do things, because we are still in charge of a lot of those things. We still have a lot of levers to pull to make sure they're doing the things we want them to do. But the one thing they have absolute and full control over is what they think.
So arguing with us is actually a way that they can separate themselves, that they can differentiate themselves from us. That they can be different from us in some way.
Now there's also a lot of good that comes from them learning how to argue a point and have a conversation with you where they do not agree with you. And it gives us an amazing opportunity to allow them to start to figure out who they want to be, what they want to believe, how they want to show up in the world.
When we know and understand this fundamental need that our teenager has to be different from us, it is so much easier to not take those arguments personally, or to not give them as much weight as we might tend to. To not think that they're just rejecting everything we've ever offered them in their life. It's actually just them exploring new opportunities to think differently and to be different from you.
The other thing that I think is really important for parents to remember is that this is actually a good thing. These are skills that your teenager needs. We want them to challenge ideas that they may not agree with. We want to teach them to think independently, to think for themselves, and to not just go along with anything anyone ever tells them.
Independent thinking is a very vital and important skill that they will need throughout the teen years and into their adulthood and for the rest of their life. Arguing with us gives them a safe place for them to develop this skill and to learn how to use it in healthy and constructive ways.
Arguing with you also helps them learn how to defend their position and offer evidence to support their side. This is also a skill that they are going to need that is going to serve them really, really well.
Our teens need to understand and learn that they can disagree with someone and still love them and that they can disagree with someone and still be loved by them. And that is what we as parents have the opportunity to teach our kids as they argue with everything we say.
So, does this mean that we should just get in arguments with our kids all the time? That we should just back and forth be in a constant state of argument? No. No, it does not. In fact, I do not suggest that at all because it is not going to teach your teen these skills that they really need.
If we are hoping to foster this independent thinking and help our kids learn how to defend their position and find evidence to support it and teach them how to disagree and love someone and disagree and be loved by someone and to do it kindly and respectfully, we have to be the ones that model that when they disagree with us.
So, when your teen argues with everything you say, there are three things that I recommend you do instead of arguing back.
The first thing is acknowledge. Nobody wants their opinion to be dismissed or ignored, and especially not your teen who's really trying to step into this role of an independent thinker. They want you to acknowledge that they have an idea that is different than yours. So acknowledge it, validate it.
Oh, you don't like Lululemon cross body bags? I'm so surprised by that, but that's interesting. Tell me more.
The worst thing you can do is dismiss their opinion, dismiss their argument as having no validity, as having no value, as being completely wrong. All this does is put your teen on the defensive and make you the opposing force. And that just means you're going to be stuck in this argument forever.
The second thing you can do is accept. Accept that your teen is allowed to think differently than you. There are a few areas where I think this is really, really hard for parents: things that they hold very dear, like religion or politics or values and ideals. This can be really challenging when your teen offers an alternate perspective, an alternate idea, that comes in direct conflict with one of these things that you hold very dear.
Now, this doesn't mean that we need to agree with them or their opinion or their ideas. It just means that we need to accept that they are able to have those ideas and opinions and thoughts.
And when we do that, when we accept that they are allowed to have their own ideas and perspectives and values, and we make sure that they know that we love them, even though we might disagree with them. Even though we might not see this eye to eye, we love them and we can have this mutual respect in our relationship anyway. We give them the gift of a safe place to explore all the ideas.
When we immediately go on the defensive and we don't accept that they can have a different opinion than us, It often causes them to dig in their heels and defend their position much more strongly and to believe it even more than they already did.
It's as if they hold that belief even tighter because we're not allowing them to have it. If we just accept it, they don't have to hold that belief so tightly. In fact, they can loosen their grip and hold it softly. And maybe at some point they may even decide to set that belief down and they may be open to another idea. Maybe the ones that you've been sharing with them their whole life.
And the final strategy that I recommend if your teenager argues with everything you say is to find a way to agree with them. The other day, a mom was telling me about her teenage son who was going through some hard things. But as a result, every single thing, every interaction they had," became a battle.
One of the examples that she shared is that she had asked him nicely if he would take out the garbage and he looked At her and he said "no you can't make me." And I know that this rubs a lot of parents the wrong way Like what I would never let my child talk to me like that, right? This child, considering all the circumstances, had some stuff going on that was causing him to act in this way. And the truth is, He is bigger than her and stronger than her, and she can't make him. He is a human who is in full control of his own physical body, and she can't make him take out the garbage.
So in this situation, I would recommend you just say, you are right. I can't make you take out the garbage. I would really appreciate if you did it. And if you don't do it, there might be some consequences that make your life more difficult that I can enforce. But you're right. I can't make you.
When my girls told me that Lululemon crossbody bags were old lady bags, I could have totally agreed. You are so right. So many of my friends have these. In fact, they probably are more popular among adults than they are among teens. I was just thinking maybe you wanted to get on the trend early.
There is usually at least some common ground you can always find in any argument. You just have to look for what it might be. So take the opportunity to find a way to agree with your teen. It takes them out of defensive mode and puts them back into a more rational, reasonable state of mind.
As frustrating as it can be when your teenager argues with everything you say, I hope that this episode has given you a little bit of peace of mind that this is a normal and a healthy part of your teenager's development, and that it actually has a lot of great benefits for them.
I hope it has also given you some really helpful strategies that you can use, when your teen is arguing with you, to relieve some of the tension. And minimize the conflict by acknowledging, accepting, and trying to find a way to agree with your teen instead of staying stuck in an argument that could damage your relationship long term.
We are going to be continuing this conversation about argumentative teenagers over in my free Facebook group, Teens Are Not The Worst. And I would love to invite you to come and join us in there. This Facebook group was specifically designed to help you navigate the challenges of raising teenagers by taking a positive approach.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/positiveparentingteens
I will drop the link in the show notes so that you can join us there and continue this conversation with me. If you want even more specific help directly from me with the challenges you are dealing with with your argumentative teenager, you can also join me inside of my paid membership community where you get one on one Marco Polo coaching support every single week to navigate those challenges that are coming up in your family.
https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership
